Final Reflection Week 12

''How can I be seen in such a big world? How can I not lose myself trying to be in this cosmos?", I pondered every day as I got overwhelmed with new things and self-exploration. Fortunately, after my first semester as a student of Making Media, I found myself being much more determined and focused on myself - my goals and my doings instead of being uncertain about my own decisions. For me, an easily messed up person with all of the ideas and worries in my head, I am proud that I am gradually attaining the ability to think of only my final goals and decide what I want to do without any interference.

I learned to focus more on my distinctive self-development based on my judgments and competitive edges. I was lost in the middle of the vast universe. Every individual in my major has been so outstanding in my eyes. Looking back at myself, I have been living a slow pace and have no unique, romantic, or super fun traits to even compare. Looking at them - lively, hustling, and seemingly exciting individuals, I drew out a recipe to excel in my course. Especially for the portfolio, where I have to showcase my individuality and advantages over others, it became frustrating to compare myself with others, thinking about what they might be doing and what they might think of me. I could not help but struggle to deliver my message in my portfolio.

Then I remembered the very primary purpose of this final assignment - to make myself the main character. Halsey, an American singer, once said: ""One of the hardest lessons for a young person to learn in their twenties is that you are not the main character in everybody'severybody's story, you are the main character in your own". It is true I did have a hard time building up my portfolio, not seeing myself in my own view but instead what I want others to see that makes me outstanding. It is not that I am not supposed to let people see my special features. Still, to tell my own stories, I have to be the right narrator who focuses on myself And soon, thanks to the wake-up call from Mr. Jonathan (the feedback), I acknowledged the right way to rethink myself - my desire and my ways of doing. What I should be asking myself is not just about others but my passion and desire. I had to be consistent with what I wanted to become, not based on standards, but what is ''me''. Browsing through my past experiences, challenges, and achievements, it dawned on me that I have so many unknown potentials. All the works I have ever created are human-oriented, as I love listening to people contemplating their life, and I have always been a great storyteller. Even in my teamwork, I am always the most vocal and active in sharing and hearing, which I did mention in my first reflection. But never have I valued those about myself due to my self-doubt about what I can offer in the standards of others. As I saw myself drained out figuring out my identity, I realized that all I need is a step back from thinking about what others have and like, but about what I have to offer. Surprisingly, my lifestyle is good as it allows me to block all the noises and distractions on social media and my surroundings, which not anyone can do.

Now that I found my narrative in the portfolio, it comes to the determination - being able to focus on and believe in the chosen path, which is a much more complicated part. I worked in a lot of creative fields other than digital art. Therefore, it is hard for me to choose in what role I will tell people about my path. I was bombarded with many ideas and things I wanted to show because I was always afraid that whatever I listed in the portfolio would never be enough. I was just being so greedy and affected by others' thoughts that I forgot the initial question: ''What about me? What do I want? What do I care about?''. I realized that I was immersed in trying to make every feature special, to the point that nothing could be special anymore. I was busy worrying that my portfolio was not perfect for everyone and that they did not see all of my abilities. All made me undetermined and distracted. Again, I took a step back, thinking of only my final destination: telling stories that are true to people. From there, I developed my purposes, my ideas, and my identity. It finally became my path and not any others''.

After working on the podcast about productivity guilt, constructing a magazine on burnout, figuring out my identities for the portfolio, and even self-reflective writing, I had a chance to comprehend the importance of concentrating on myself and maintaining my determination. It guides me in trusting my progress and emotions, seeing my unique features, escaping from the loop of comparing myself with others, and reconsidering my efforts. ''Do not be greedy in showing people everything about everything or do not be troubled by the thought that you are not doing the same as others, but be consistent''; that is what I tell myself every day before starting my assignments. Aren't we all meant to be different? Therefore, this is my method, which is fine if it differs from most. In the end, such a mindset works much better for a personal assignment like the portfolio, as it requires uniqueness. In the future, wishfully, I will be able to keep this manner on every path I take.

Making Media has set me on this self-exploration journey, honestly. This course introduced me to new fields, but most importantly, to the lifelong pursuit of a sense of self. Bizarre as it may sound, I have been in the creative field since high school, and I stepped into RMIT as a Professional Communication student confident that I would knock it all. Because I thought that I knew myself well, I thought that I knew how to deliver a message with a consistent set of purpose and meaning, and I thought I knew how to communicate with people. I had never foreseen that today, I would be against all the ups and downs just to focus on myself and make firm decisions right in the first semester. But, undeniably, Making Media has me understanding that the more we go through, the more we grow. It is a path for me to discover the ''me'', and I reckon that in the first course, I had quite a fistfight with it, but I was not defeated.

After all, I was taught in the course to concentrate on one exact thing and develop it consistently. But to do that, I self-learned how to be more focused and determined, creating my own space to shine. Funnily, I remember the first time I stepped into the classroom with a lot of unfamiliar faces and straight up introduced myself as "I am Chi, I have a vulnerable soul, and I am here, not just for the ambitions and high scores, but to have fun and become less vulnerable". Frankly speaking, that was not what I planned to talk about myself at first, but somehow, when it was my turn, I zoned out a bit and said something so abnormal and opposite from my intentions. Well, I realized that I aimed to be authentic with myself under all the pressure to impress others, and now, I am glad I have been working on it so well.